When Parks Go Bad And Other Horrid Things
by Lissom-Howler
Summary: A post-hogwarts MWPP era story. Pretty pointless, just a bit of fun. Remus and Sirius share an apartment. Sirius get bored, So a visit to the park is in order, and Moony has a pretty horrid time. Slight language (very slight). One Shot SBRL Friend stor


(A/N:) Hello everyone, i know it's been ages since i've written anything but I finally got around to doing a quick one-shot. This is a Sirius and Remus story, it will not be a slash though. Not that i dislike it, in fact i love SB/RL (just need to look at my faves list to see that) but i'm not too good at writing romance, maybe someday but not now. I'll do a proper A/N at the bottom so just enjoy the story. By the way none of the characters belong to me, wish they did but they don't so don't sue.

A Story By Lissom-Howler

When Parks Go Bad And Other Horrid Things  


  


  


It was a crisp autumn afternoon that found everyone's favourite werewolf, Remus Lupin, curled up in a window seat that looked over the street below the middle class apartment he and his roommate, Sirius Black currently occupied. Remus had been reading his new book in this spot for most of the morning and was starting to feel the effects of that dreaded curse called boredom. He slowly stood up feeling his muscles object to the sudden movement, put his book down and then made his way over to the fridge to get a lemonade.

The apartment that the werewolf and his animagus friend were sharing was not one of the most charming places Remus could have imagined himself living in, but with the fact that both of his parents had moved on leaving him alone and without much money, and Sirius' mother refusing to give him any now that he had openly defied her and their family, it left both of them with little choice of accommodation. This was something that one of their best friends James Potter constantly felt horrible about as he was essentially 'rolling' in wizard gold. At first James had tried to offer both Sirius and Remus money to live off but stopped almost immediately when he realized that both of his friends were getting rather pissed about the fact that they thought he was treating them like some charity case.

One thing Remus was positive about was he most certainly did not want, or need, hand outs, even if they were well-meaning and from a friend.

Instead James had made a deal with Remus and Sirius so that he felt like he was helping at least a little. Once a month James would take out Remus, Sirius, the last friend of their group, Peter Pettigrew and James' serious girlfriend Lilly Evans to the pub and pretty much pay for the lot of them to get smashed off their faces.

This deal also explained Sirius lack of appearance as of yet.

'Not surprising that he needed to sleep longer then normal today after the amount he drank last night' Remus mused to himself, a smirk spreading across his face as he remembered what had happened last night, 'Anyone who starts to serenade phone boxes at 2 in the morning has most definitely had to much to drink.'

But it was now getting close to three in the afternoon and even severely hung-over wizards needed to be out of bed by this time so Remus made his way to his friends room and opened the door slowly.

There was no better way to describe Sirius room then it being the closest thing to a portal to hell. The thick drapes were pulled tightly over the window effectively blocking all sunlight, and there was clothing and rubbish spread from one end of the room to the other. Remus often tried to stay out here as much as possible as with his heightened wolfy senses, the smell of unwashed socks and grime literally made his eyes water, not to mention the fact that once a couple of weeks ago, when Remus had last ventured into 'the cave of really really smelly crap', he could have sworn that he saw something moving under a pile of dirty clothing in the corner of the room, he didn't think that this was possible though as whatever it was would most likely not be able to survive in their for long... Unless it was rats, now the rats wouldn't have surprised Remus at all.

Remus focusing on the impossible task of waking his near comatose friend, made his way towards the double bed in the corner in which all that could be seen was a small shot of black hair poking out from under the blankets.

Poking him on the shoulder he gently called out his name, when all the reaction he got was a grunt and Sirius turning over still asleep he decided to try something else. First he made a trip to the kitchen and picked up one of their large metal pots and a thick wooden spoon. He then made his way back to Padfoot's room and pitying his poor friend for what he was about to do, made one last try to wake him nicely by walking over to the window and yanking the drapes open.

Remus received a bit of a shock when the light streamed into the gloomy room and he could have sworn that the dirty laundry littering the floor tried to shrink back further into the shadows. He assumed that this was a trick of his mind but living in the wizarding world made him wary to the possibility of the impossible actually being possible.

Remus turned his attention away from the clothing and looked at his friend again. It appeared that the light had done nothing but force his friend to retreat further under the blankets leaving nothing but a large lump in the middle of the bed.

Feeling bad, but not at all sorry he noticed, he walked over to the foot of the bed and lifted the pot while trying valiantly to keep the grin off his face. Then with one last sorry look at the lump that was Sirius he started to beat loudly on the pot.

This of course had the desired effect of waking the 20 year old instantly who shoot up in bed looking incredibly startled, and then, having sat up too quickly, over balance and landed face first on the ground.

Sirius let out a rather loud groan and round over onto his back putting a hand on top of his head "What the hell?"

"Wakey Wakey Padfoot, it's time you got your butt out of bed" said Remus, much too happily in Sirius' opinion.

"Don' Wanna," was Sirius' mature educated reply, while curling up into a ball. So Remus did what any person would do in a similar situation. He sat down next to Sirius and flicked the space between his eyes... hard... For several minutes.

When Sirius noticed that Remus wasn't about to let him go back to sleep, He raised himself mumbling "Okay I'm up already stop with the god damn flicking" and shuffled his way to the bathroom to have a shower.

Remus feeling rather proud at the fact that he had done the impossible and woken Sirius up went back out to the living room and sat down to watch the afternoon news. (A/N: this is not something i would normally do, i normally find it utterly boring, but i figured it was Remmie down to a T, )

Sirius emerged from the bathroom half an hour later and slouched down into the couch next to Remus, "What are you watching? Hmm Moony"

"It's called the news Padfoot, it would do you some good to look at it occasionally," replied Remus distractedly.

"But that's boring Moony, i want to do something, i'm sooo bored. Bored, bored, bored," Sirius whined leaning onto Remus giving him his perfected puppy dog eyes, also dubbed 'The look that can let you do anything' by James.

Giving a hefty shove Remus managed to get Padfoot off him and said " You realize you have the attention span of a 5 year old don't you" when he noticed that Sirius hadn't let up with 'The Look' he continued, "Okay fine what do you want to do?".

"Well I haven't actually thought of anything yet, wait a moment," With this Sirius closed his eyes with intense concentration. This look always made Remus almost burst out laughing when he saw it, as it reminded him greatly of one of his favorite books as a child, Winnie the Pooh. He could almost imagine Sirius sitting there tapping his head repeating saying "think, think, think, think", Somehow he didn't think Padfoot would appreciate this sentiment. He didn't however have long to ponder this as Sirius eyes snapped open with an idea.

"I know, you could take me,you know, Padfoot for a walk to that park dowm the road," Sirius looked up at Remus expectantly waiting for an answer.

'What?' was about all Remus shocked mind came up with, this was most certainly not what he had been expecting. He pondered it for a minute and against his better judgment said slowly "I suppose we could, but don't we need some things like a leash and collar and stuff?"

Sirius thought about this for a moment, but then his infamous 'I- have- an- idea- but- you- don't- na- ne- na- ne- nar' look came across his face and he jumped up and ran towards his room yelling "Wait a minute i have just the thing,". Remus got up and started to make his way over to the front door to wait and see what Sirius would come up with.

He was surprised when Sirius came bounding back into the room so soon after he had left clutching something black in his hand.

"What the..?" Remus was half way through saying when Sirius shoved a black leash and collar into his hands. "Padfoot, why the hell do you own this?" Remus tried asking again looking at the object confusedly.

"For a little bit of fun Moony, and that's all you need to know about it" said Sirius cheekily winking

Still confused Remus thought about it for a moment, then a look of comprehension crossed his face which then transformed very quickly to one of shocked disgust "Eugh Padfoot, you sick, kinky bastard,"

"Don't blame me, you asked," Sirius replied his cheeky smirk still affixed to his face as he transformed into his animagus form leaving a large hairy black dog in his place.

"I really wish you would warn me before you tell me things like that," said Remus sulkily as he bent over to put the collar on the dog, it's only reply being to bark back at him. Remus could have sworn that Sirius was grinning widely at him in that moment. "Come on then, you damn smart arse," he said as they left the apartment locking the door behind them.

The Park that Sirius had been referring to was only a couple streets away and it was a pleasant enough walk so Remus didn't really mind being dragged along behind an over-excitable dog for a while, although it was starting to feel like his shoulders were separating.

"Slow down would you, you great prat," said Remus rather desperately and was relived when Sirius complied with his request and slowed to a trot next to Remus.

As they passed another block of apartments they saw a little girl sitting in the doorway with a little brown puppy with her. Sirius stopped to sniff the puppy as dogs are often known to do, while Sirius was inspecting the puppy Remus kneeled down to talk to the girl

"Wow you've got a big doggie mister, mines just a puppy," said the little girl happily reaching out a hand to pat Padfoot's fur, Padfoot of course not putting up any objections to this treatment. Then without giving Remus time to reply she went on to say "You want to hear my song Mister?"

"Uh... sure, why not," said Remus hesitantly while thinking 'famous last words'

And so the little girl took a deep breath and began to sing,

"_How much is that doggie in the window,_

_woof woof_

_The one with the waggily tail,_

_How much is that doggie in the window,_

_woof woof_

_I do hope that dog is for sale...._"

As she started on the second verse, Remus stood there shocked by the song, shocked by it's catchy tune, shocked by it's simple yet memorable lyrics and slowly unnoticed he started to hum along to it. Once the girl had finished Remus thanked her for the song and reassured that, Yes her puppy would grow up to be as pretty as Padfoot (This remark had earned a snort from Sirius, 'no doubt' Remus mused smirking slightly, 'he would have preferred sexy or handsome or any other number of more masculine terms,') and the pair continued down the street.

Remus then heard a noise that he recognized as being the tune of the song that the little girl had been singing. Thinking at first that the girl had followed them Remus looked around to tell her to go home but he saw no-one. It was then that he realized that it was him making the noise.

He stopped and threw his hands in the air "Damn it, I've got that stupid song stuck in my head,". Remus said this rather loudly causing many people to glance his way and earning a couple of teasing barks from Sirius.

"Oh shut up would you or i'll take you home," Remus said snarling slightly. He had had a feeling this was going to be a mistake, yet he had the feeling that it would only get worse.

They made it to the park encountering no serious incidents, unless you count the numerous times that Sirius almost tripped up Remus. Remus was just pondering whether these were deliberate or accidental on Sirius part when he was interrupted by an impatient bark from Padfoot as if to say "Were here already would you take the blasted lead off, I want to chase some squirrels," or at least that was what Remus chose to think he said, as he took off the lead, for all he knew Padfoot could be saying "You smell, go take a bath already,"

Padfoot took off at top speed running around madly after the little squirrels, only to stop and stiff something.

Recognizing his friends behavior Remus called out "You dare roll in anything nasty and i'll hose you off in the front yard with cold water. I swear I will!!"

But of course Sirius being Sirius totally ignored everything Remus said and proceeded to roll in the muck anyway, this caused a disgusted groan to force its way from the back of Remus' throat, who thought 'God that's really nasty, i hope that i don't do anything like that when i do my change, although with my luck I most likely did it more often then he does,'

While Padfoot ran around madly after the unsuspecting wildlife, Remus decided to take a seat on the park bench. He had only been sitting momentarily when another man, who was quite a bit larger then himself and in a garish pink jogging suit sat down next to him. The man reminded Remus strangely of a oversized marshmallow.

Remus being proper and brought up to always use correct manners in public politely greeted the man then returned his attention to Sirius who had apparently found an opening to some kind of nest and was valiantly trying to get at whatever was inside it..

"I think i have something in my teeth," the man said spontaneously

Remus, more then some what surprised by the slight over-share replied dumbly "Oh really... that's nice,"

Then to Remus surprise the man continued sleazily "Would you like to get it out for me?"

Remus was shocked speechless and sat there with his mouth open dumbly. He was brought startlingly back to his senses when he felt the mans hand sit on his knee and begin to work it's way up. He look back at the man wo gave him a rather crude wink and ran his tongue along his slightly yellowed teeth.

With an incomprehensible sound of nausea the poor werewolf sprung up from his seat and took off running not stopping for anything except to call Sirius who had apparently caught what he had been looking for. Sirius had been rather indignant about being interrupted and was about to growl unhappily, but when he saw his friend leaving and looking rather disturbed he hurried to follow after him.

"Your plans really suck Padfoot. You know that don't you?" said Remus grumpily.

Remus didn't stop running until he reached the other side of the park which had a rather nice large fountain and paved area with a large statue commemorating someone for doing something. Remus sat on the edging of the fountain brushing the imaginary germs of his jumper and pants, all the while chanting 'gross, gross, gross, oh so nasty'.

Sirius had caught up with Remus now and sat down panting slightly, he looked around saw no one watching so changed back with a slight '_pop'_.

"What happened?" ask Sirius amusedly watching his friends antics.

"Old fat guy, tried to feel me up," was all Remus said still more then slightly freaked out by the whole incident.

Sirius taking sympathy on his slightly shorter friend sat down next to him and slung his arm around Remus' shoulders. "Poor Moony, this is what happens when you go through puberty, you become one of us beautiful people. Think of it as an introduction into adulthood. Prongs and i have both been felt up by gross men heaps of times, i don't really want to think about it happening to Peter, that's a really un-fun mental image, but we both got over the whole ickyness of it and so will you," he punctuated this last sentence with a poke to the side of Remus' head.

"Wow Padfoot, you didn't come across as being full of yourself at all when you said that," Remus replied sarcastically chuckling slightly at his friend.

"That doesn't matter, but it did make you laugh, so that's good" said Sirius as he stood "Lets head home now anyway" and changed back into the black dog that was Padfoot.

"I suppose your right," said Remus starting to calm down a little, he stood up again closed his eyes and took a deep breath, Padfoot was still sitting near him, watching, to make sure he was really okay.

When Remus opened his eyes he turned his head to the side as he head noise. There, only a few meters away from them, had landed a large flock of pigeons, It seemed the Sirius had noticed this at the exact same time and tore after them at full speed barking madly.

Unfortunately Remus had not been quick enough to getting out of Sirius' way and was forcibly shoved backwards straight into the fountain. He sat in the freezing water for a moment dumbstruck, and suddenly realizing where he was and what had happened he proceeded to climb out of the fountain and turn around to look at Sirius who hadn't even noticed what had happened.

"Sirius..." Remus all but growled out dangerously

Sirius hearing this stopped mid-stride (A/N: can dogs stride?) and turned around to see his roommate standing there with a murderous look on his face and shivering from the cold. Sirius slunk over to Remus with his tail between his legs and was put back on the lead. They walked back to their apartment in absolute silence. Sirius could almost feel the frustration coming off Remus in waves.

Remus stormed inside and closed the door behind Sirius who then change back, and followed Remus as he went to get a towel from the linen cupboard.

"It couldn't have been that bad could it?" said Sirius, to a soaking and shivering Remus.

Remus' only reply was to give a smoldering look at Sirius as he walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. Normally Sirius would be highly entertained by the way Remus got angry. The way his eye twitched was normally greatly amusing, except for the simple fact that at the moment most of Remus' anger appeared to be directed at him.

"Look on the bright side," Said Sirius hesitantly through the door "At least your not bored anymore,"

Continued A/N:

Well there you go. I'm more then a little rusty at writing and i have no Beta at the moment but hoped you had a laugh. If anyone out there wants to help then we might re-do it a bit and repost it later on, just send me an email and I'll chat to you about it (my email should be on my profile page). Looking back at it, it was alot funnier when i thought it up, mind, I was just a little tipsy when I started to think about it, but oh well, our little secret. I felt that that was a fair bit better then my other writing which makes me cringe when i look back at it. I actually quite enjoyed writing that, i had forgotten that feeling you get when you finally finish writing something, very warm and fuzzy. If anyone who reveiws has good SB/RL stories they want to plugg or any other good stories in general feel free to tell me about them in you reveiw, I would love to read and reveiw them.

Speaking of which I would love it if you did reveiw my story.


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